Commitment to Give First

As a student of the process of human influence (aka leadership) I have learned through the years that committing to give first expedites and strengthens my influence of others. Often in human relations there is a dance around “who gives first,” “who gives most,” “who gave last.” My general response to these questions, when I am thinking clearly, is “who cares?”

When I enter into new relationships with others, whether it is in a new community or new office, I aim for clarity on three things. The first centers on “Why am I here?” For me, this is always best answered by beginning with my faith and my understanding of calling/vocation. The second question concerns “What do I need, want and hope for?” The third thing I want to get clear on is “What do others need, want and hope for?” Once I get clear on these three areas, I purpose to help fulfill what others need, want and hope for before getting what I need, want and hope for.

I practice this commitment to give first because of a biblical value that I learned years ago. This value can be stated as “putting the success of others above my own.” I practice it because it is right for me to do so. Over the years I have learned that it also expedites and strengthens my influence of others. Others open up to your influence when they understand that your aim is to do what is right, and that part of what you believe to be right is to help others succeed.

With any principle like this, our hearts and minds quickly go to cynicism and exception. Our sharky little hearts cause us to believe that giving first is a fast track to being used, enabling others’ destructive behavior and/or undermining the overall success of an organization. I think that all of these are possible, especially if giving first is not guided and balanced by good judgment and wise perspective. I think that more concerning than the possibility of these occurring is the chokehold on influence and goodwill that a “getting first” approach brings to life. Similarly, a quid pro quo approach to relationships does not lead to broadening, free-flowing influence; it merely leads to measurement and reaction.

Grabbing and grubbing, manipulating and controlling, giving only what is required – these approaches make me a smaller and self-absorbed leader. Committing to give first opens up the opportunity for my leadership to expand as I prove myself to be a resource to those whom I lead.